Hello my fellow eaters,
My name is Nicholas Gazin and I am VICE’s art editor, which is what qualifies me to review frozen food, I suppose.
The focus of my review column this week is frozen lasagnas. For some reason frozen lasagna is almost always good or great. On occasion it is underwhelming, but I’m yet to be deeply disappointed by a frozen lasagna.
But enough idle chatter! We both know why you’re here: real-deal lasagna talk.
Amy’s Vegetable Lasagna
Several people have mentioned to me that this is the best Amy’s dish so I was eager to try it for myself. Unfortunately, I don’t remember eating this, but I must have because otherwise why would I now have an empty box? I remember being in a drug fog as thick as Amy’s pea soup when I blearily microwaved the contents of this box… and then nothing. I think there were smooth sheets of noodle with a soft warmth between layers (I think). I woke up and there was a full family-sized pizza at the foot of my bed. This may be a cry for help.
I’m aware this looks like a puddle of puke, but it was actually a puddle of pasta pleasure.
Lūvo asks that eaters cook the food by steaming it inside a paper bag, like popcorn. Somehow this results in microwaveable food that tastes like normal food a human would eat.
This lasagna was healthy as hell. I didn’t taste the turkey, but a turkey is a pretty bland bird anyway. Besides that, I found this very close to something I would receive in a restaurant, or the high-quality frozen food they have in parts of Europe.
Stouffer’s Five Cheese Lasagna
This little teeny box contains 710 milligrams of sodium, which seems like a lot. Americans eat 3400 milligrams a day on average, but you’re not supposed to eat more than 1500.
You cook this little plastic tub full of powdery cheese with the plastic dental dam on it for four minutes, and then remove it and cook it raw for another four.
The five cheeses in this lasagna are low-fat ricotta, dry-curd cottage, low-moisture/part-skim mozzarella, two percent-or-less Romano cheese made from cow’s milk, a Parmesan and Asiago cheese-blend, and enzyme-modified Parmesan.
Frozen lasagna often comes out pretty well. This one wasn’t the best. It wasn’t bad, but it was the worst one I’ve eaten yet. Luvo makes the best microwaveable lasagna by a long shot.
Amy’s Light & Lean Spinach Lasagna
This was the the third best microwaved lasagna I’ve eaten, trailing behind Luvo’s two products. It was light and lean, just like the box said. It had ricotta, parmesan, and mozzarella. It tasted great and felt good in my mouth. Good mouth feels is important. Though it may seem unthinkable, I may have run out of things to say about frozen lasagna.
WeightWatchers Smart Ones: Traditional Lasagna With Meat Sauce
Most microwaveable lasagna is pretty good for some reason. Sheets of noodles are very satisfying when combined with tomato, cheese, and maybe meat. This wasn’t the best microwaveable lasagna, but it was very good. That’s it for this week—all I’ve got to say about lasagna. It all tasted good and this article is still a cry for help. Please help me.